Hotel Derek does it Hotel Direct


Spring gauge

A good night's sleep starts with a good mattress. Like the perfect putting green, this needs to be springy, soft and offer good roll and ball bounce. The quickest of applications of this gauge’s spring-mounted probe tells me all I need to know, on a handy easy-to-read display.


I remember coming up with the idea for this device whilst making blankets in the heart of Kashmir. The duvet or blanket is placed in front of the device and an excited heat particle - a 'thermicle' - is fired into the fabric at near light speed. Quantum confusion occurs and new exotic charged particles of cosiness (cosions) are created, which are picked up by the Togometer’s sensors and the overall cosiness of the duvet calculated... Sometimes I just get in bed, but only if it's bedtime anyway.

Hotel GPS

Like your Smartphone, only smarter. It’s intelligent positronic brain is bent on hunting out the best deals in the vicinity. If it finds one it plays Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' and gives off the odour of napalm, before displaying the whereabouts on-screen.


These tiny cyber insects swarm from hotel to hotel, fighting and destroying the dreaded Psychotic Bed-bug. This way, I know nobody will ever again share my mother’s fate.


In today's digital arena you may think anything printed on paper practically barbaric, right? Wrong. There's many a time I've been trekking through the jungles of Bolivia trying to find a particularly fine boutique hotel when these have been a lifesaver. Ever tried to get reception in the jungles of Bolivia? Don't even try.


A hangover from many a miserable hour spent orienteering with Mr Bull at Cracknape Hall, one should never leave home without it


Ah, the kazoo: One of man's finest but most underrated musical instruments. I blow this long and hard so the good people of Britain know they'll be able to rest easy under my care. Fashioned from the ivory tusks of a white elephant and the greenest jade stolen from the Chinese Emperor Qianlong, so ethically probably best to keep it hush-hush. Which is ironic.

X-ray goggles

Though I am loved by the common man, there are many in the powerful hotel industry that would love to bring me down. This means I often need to check out hotels without their consent or even knowledge. The terrible mix-up with the hotel hosting the Cheerleading Championships is still going through the Courts so I can’t go into details of the case, but I assure you I was checking the fluffiness of the towels.


Fashioned after the design of my Grandpop’s signaling levers but crafted so only one with superhuman strength can wield it, with a yank I can send the deserving to fine hotels rooms anywhere. It may seem magical to the man on the street, but it is the awesome power of Science. I stumbled upon Nikola Tesla’s schematics and notes on a theoretical ‘teleforce’ weapon when in Belgrade. With a little tweaking of the magnifying transformer, I was able to turn this monstrous weapon to more peaceful ends. The base of the lever houses a small open-ended vacuum seal with a gas jet seal that – well, I’ve said too much already!

Calling card

My legend is a key part of my fight for fairness. I spread the word on decent prices for decent folk. I spread hope. My calling card means that word of my existence spreads far and wide. The more people know of me, the more people I can help. It’s simple mathematics.


Not just for looking good and holding my small change and house-keys, if I end up crashing into a wall too strong for me the ‘H’ inflates into a protective airbag. Also acts as life-vest at sea.